What is Wrong with Me?

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Written by Ryan Cross (c2018), Photo by Spencer Sample (c2018)

What is wrong with me?
I wake up and I am more tired than the day before.
I can feel my body getting thinner and weaker and I don’t know why.
I start getting confused sometimes and I can see it is tough on my family.

What is wrong with me?
I came to the hospital hoping they would know.
They wheeled me through the halls and into different machines.
Each time wondering whether to hope for an answer and the potential grim outlook that comes with it.

What is wrong with me?
They say they’ve found multiple lesions.
One in my spine and some in my brain.
But when I ask if this is cancer and how long I have left, they can’t tell me.

What is wrong with me?
They suggested I get a biopsy of my spine and start steroids to maybe shrink the lesions.
They say this might give the answer.
They are doctors, and so I listen.

What is wrong with me?
It has been a month now, and still I am waiting.
The first biopsy was sent to the wrong place, and the second is pending.
Good news is the brain lesions are shrinking and I am a little less confused.

What is wrong with me?
Now the second biopsy was of insufficient size.
And the neurosurgeon refuses to biopsy my brain due to lesion shrinkage.
I’m told there can be no definitive treatment options until a positive biopsy.

What is wrong with me?
I think I have bad luck.
My throat and tongue are so sore from thrush; I can barely speak now.
I am slowly becoming more trapped in this bed and in my body.

What is wrong with me?
I’m back from the ICU after a GI bleed.
I think someone broke into my room last night and attacked me.
And now they tell me I have a UTI as well.

What is wrong with me?
It has been three months now and no answers yet.
I seem to see the students much more than the doctors these days.
I wonder if they have given up on me.

What is wrong with me?
I just want to know something, anything.
Is it cancer or not?
How much time do I have left?

What is wrong with me?
Should I go home or stay?
It doesn’t seem like there is much left to be done.
All this time spent in hospital, when it is getting more precious with each breath.

What is wrong with me?
Will we ever know?

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